Journal Diary of Willow Vallen

[Willow]

I woke up screaming about to fall out of the bed and Slayer was suddenly there to catch me. He did just as he said and comforted me as I sobbed. I don't want to talk about my night terror, Just once I was done crying he kissed my forehead and went back to what he was doing.

Mat, he is a friend of mother's and someone who I finally got to talk to in a good light today. He is a bright one, sad the only part that keep him from hanging out with others is he has had a falling out with one of my Pack. I will not meddle in this just yet, for not just hanging out with people and not forcing them in the same room helps. I will be imbuing his combat gear.. it appears he is an arctic fox.

Slayer something is wrong with him. Well something is still wrong with him. He got a sword through him, then he went to the Crusades. He started blood lusting Mat felt it first, and showed he was concerned for my safety.

Slayer texted me, he is not well. I sent him home, to his room. I went home after and sat outside his door. I will stay out here all night and read up on what could be plaguing him. He was stabbed by a demon sword, it may be the cause.. or what ever he is Hiding from me. What the hell he is planning.

Why is there this emptiness in me? They once said I feel passionately or not at all. They never answered any questions, no they beat me, burned me, and tried so hard to break my soul. Is this because of them? Because of what they did to me? Or is it why the Maiden Medeina never took a mate?

Lone Alpha Wolf
6.24.15

 

[Willow]

Missing Page

I accept what I am, a lost fay. I feel the world around me with so much more color, I feel the world with more vibrant, my emotions are potent and would bring a normal human to their knees. I lack the passion of love, I do not feel sexual attraction or any needs of the flesh.

I can write that hundred times and it does not make it easier to tells someone. I feel like I am stabbing them, cutting of all hope.. and I am. I Love them, but it is not the love they know, it is the love of an Alpha Wolf. There sorrow is my sorrow their pain is my pain, I want to help them protect them.

If.. if one could accept me for what I am, who I am. I would never be able to fulfill their carnal needs.

Why the sudden deep subject, because I will only be what I am. It is not up to me what people do and feel. I tell them and warn them. If they choose to keep me close after.. then it is their choice. I will always feel though I am just filling the place till someone real comes along, or to fill a void left by another.

We danced, and then there was a nice dinner waiting for me. Food is a weakness of mine of this I am sure. I stayed there till dawn, then I went back home. I enjoy his company..

Lone Alpha Wolf
6.24.15

 

[Willow]

Shortly after I was home I had breakfast, Edgar told me Slayer wanted me to go to the Gym. I though may be he wanted help with runes, or may be to spar..

He was in a suit, pinstripe the kind you were to really special occasion. The music started and he danced. I never knew he could, it was proper ballroom dancing, so I had to learn as we went. It was good to see him with his guard completely down, willing to just talk.

He said he wanted this last dance, that he accepted he may die. It kills me to hear this, he has no idea how much it hurts me to let him do this. I tell them they never have to face anything alone, is the words wrong? They want to protect me, Why? I am here to protect them, why do they not see this?

I finally just tried to let it go and dance, I want to remember him this way. I know he may not come back the wolf he left, he may not even remember me. We were happy, and for once he seemed at peace. I didn't want to take that from him. I will not accept the possibility he will die. We danced till Edgar said it was time for lunch.

I don't want to lash out at them.. so went hunting.

Lone Alpha Wolf
6.25.15

 

[Willow]

Waking up I got to eat listening to Edgar and Holly talk about how Slayer was acting weird. So after breakfast I got my combat gear on, I had no problem finding him using my witchy ways. He was looking for an artifact, apparently he got the decoy that would have been the death of him if used in his ritual.

I learned Pan is in on what ever he is doing. She did not answer my question. I left them to talk cross at it all. Later he apologized, we talked it went well, still won't stop me if I find out the when. I can work out the where. He did allow me to help, I am using the Demon bane crystals to make shielding for him. If the worst happens it will give him much longer before he is overrun by demons. Goddess save him, save his sorry ass.

I took him dancing, I think it was the first time in a very long time he just had fun. He wasn't that good at it but he got a little better before we wall-flowered. I enjoyed it a lot.

Saw Patch briefly it was nice to see him up and about mostly healed. He danced kinda, wearing his tuxedo mask outfit. I was going to dance with him seeing he was alone but he took off just as I was going to grab him.

Mat called me over, he was shaken from his first OP. Minor cuts and bruises, and a broken mirror. He really wanted and needed someone to just be there for him. We chatted some, he gave me some candies he made for me. Once he was done shaking and the anxiety was gone I went home.

Came home to a wonderful venison dinner then fell over in bed

Lone Alpha Wolf
6.26.15

 

[Willow]

Have you ever tried to go through a day with a dagger sticking out of your chest? That is what my day felt like. Glancing at my scrying mirror seeing how far he was through the ritual, to the point I have to just try to socialize.

Ran into Saint and went to a dance with him, Ophelia was the one who got him dancing. Something went wrong after that, not sure what. I saw Bart and Ophelia going to Seoul. They were meeting him after an upsetting Tweet he posted. I Gave them the nullifying bracelet I made for him hopefully he gets it and has one less stress.

I had no problems finding where to go in the desert. My heart skipped a beat the shield came down and he looked at us. It could have gone either way, Slayer who remembers us, knows we are there to help. Or not.

Thank you great mother Gaia.. his ritual worked. Demons killed, Slayer back home.

For the first time since Angelica died, he will sleep and have his own dreams. I hope they are good dreams, it has been years, even to dream of just stars. Perhaps I am talking about me now. I will be outside his door when he wakes up.

It has been a very emotional road today so it was nice to have Mat to talk to when it was done. I will be home before Slayer wakes up.

Lone Alpha Wolf.
6.29.15

 

[Willow]

Today was long and I am tired. Did some hunting with Slayer, not the thinking kind but the let loose and hunt, chase, kill, and do it all again kind. He says something still feels, off. But decided not to think too hard on it now. Took him dancing he said he was happy to be there with me. Considering he nearly died, I am happy to see him taking in the good things around him.

Patch and Pan were there, they were talking about wedding things. I kinda look forward to seeing this ritual, I am a tad nervous it seems like a big deal, I hope I don't mess it up. I have been thinking about them a lot lately. I don't want to see him Alone again, he deserves this, he may not know it yet but he does.

The last month has gotten me thinking. It is new to have my own choices, to not have a book set out before me chosen by someone else. So far my freedom has been used in necessity, my pack needed me to know, so I studied.

What do -I- want?

I want to be me. But who am I?

Tomorrow I am going Home, leaving this world for a day. The White castle in a blanket of snow, where I feel at peace with what I am. I will dance with my blood kin to the music no Man can recreate. I will eat gifts of the Great Mother Gaia that the world of man has forgotten about. I will howl at the waning moon as I hunt and celebrate a life lived and lost.

I want this to be who I am.. I want to feel it in my soul.

The Alpha Wolf
7.1.15

 

[Willow]

I spent my morning hunting, I don't feel any changes yet, but it's an ongoing project. I will be setting up a ritual over the weekend, one that should keep Slayer's ass out of Hell if he where to die. When I was done hunting, I went home changed and went to talk to Slayer, we went to his room and chatted. For a place I was locked out of and was kept a Huge secret from the staff, it is quite normal.

I didn't tell him, and I won't tell him how much this ritual will hurt me. I have to do this so I know he is safe. I would do this for any of my Pack a hundred time over if I must.

I will be healing in the Wylds Tuesday.

I want to spend more time there, not just to recover, but I can feel it. Like a heartbeat, pulling me close so I can rest, so I can grow. I am a changeling, born of a human but the blood and soul of a child of Medeina, the Wolf huntress. I want to be apart of Gaia if she would have me.

We went dancing, I dragged Slayer out again. He enjoyed it again we waltzed to goth covers, he was happy so I am happy.

I heard from Saint, he is healing, and for this I am glad. No more nightmares or panic attacks, he wants so badly to be himself again. Once he is healed I want to take him hunting. I hope the bracelet was apart of what has helped.

Alpha Wolf
7.3.15

 

[Willow]

I don't know when he sent it, but it was delivered by a Templar to the mansion. Ivan, he sent me a letter saying farewell, my brother wolf is now gone. He can not fight the war of man, his soul calls him to be more, and fight all darkness, in man and filth. I will not see him again.. He left me his cross.

Again someone I care about.. abandons me.

The soul well is complete, I feel like I just poured acid over my back, and I feel drained. I suspect if I were to try take a soul form a living person I would pass out from the pain, long before I could pull the soul free.

Relaxed some with Patch and Pan by the fountain, it was nice to be with them again. Soon they will be married, and back in Seoul. I hope I do not lose them too.

I will be in the Wylds tomorrow resting, healing, learning, and … changing.

Alpha Wolf
7.6.15

[letter from Ivan off to the side]

Dear Sestra,

I know I been away for sometime now, see I have been making a very
long journey. A journey I had to make on my own. A journey I knew I
would have to make one of these day even how hard I fought it. I truly
can not live in this world. not your world of secrets and lies of hidden
wars while the common folks are always the first and only victims.

I can not be part of it again not anymore. I did what I could to be
part of this world but I can not no longer I will do what I can to help
mankind from itself. I will hide under no ones banner who says to do
things for the greater good or any other way to pretty up a lie for power.

I will cut down anyone who will bring harm to other for any
cause be it for evil or the greater good. You can see why now I
can not be seen in the City anymore. Like every immortal that
has no true place in the world I must hide away. I will do what
I can with my limited power to aid these lands until the day I
can rest my eyes in the land of endless apple blossoms.

[Ivan's seal for a signature]

 

[Willow]

I have missed spending time with Saint, today I made the time and we went out hunting. I am glad to have seen his wolf, gotten to know it and welcoming him personally. I hope to get more time soon to chat with him, I think I am starting to finally get to really talk to him. He is apart of my pack, and in time he will understand what that means.

Pan knows, I had forgotten the connection we share. She expressed her concern over what I am about to do. She may have seen Cici speaking to me in the Soul Forge, or perhaps she saw what is yet to come. We spoke and yes, I think she understand that it is what I must do. I Must protect my Pack at all costs.

As the day went on I became more and more intervened, I do not like it much, I don't think I will do it again.

I meet Darcy again today, she asked about scrying and finding Marcus. She will get me his sister's blood, I can use it to find him. Then she told me there is a chance .. as strong chance he is in hell. That is when I went from helping to being an Alpha.

I went home and made her some runes of binding three was all I could make. Luckily Slayer getting me the blood of a legion helped., and in the process I had a chance to test more of the blood. Three souls went into making what I am calling escape runes, I bound them to the closest lay-line I could find. And lastly, I gave her the Demonbane sword. I made a promise once, that if in that ritual Slayer became one of them, I would kill him. He did not, so it is fitting she would have it now to free Marcus her mate.

Slayer came down from his mountain, he now sees the truth of his heart, and in accepting it. I know he is healing and I know he is in some way mourning her still. He sounded like Ivan today, speaking about leaving the world knowing he is an immortal and all he knows and loves will either fade away or die.

I hope he does not leave.. I pray he does not.

The Alpha Wolf
7.8.15

 

[Willow]

My last day knowing love.

I do not know why Pan was the one I chose to spend the day with. I could have chosen any of them, I know her the least, but trust her as much as Patch.

We went hunting, it was not like hunting with Patch, or with Saint. She is truly a sister wolf, she and I hunted side by side in unison, as one. Just letting our wolves run free, the hunt, the blood-lust. Till our bodies begged for mercy and we rested in the cold snow.

Goth dance we danced, I had a good time. I hope I can remember this day in as good of light as I do now. I ran into Tim again, I danced with him, he was pretty good, and goth cupcakes. I think Tim is x-military, there is a way about those kind. Once he got out of the prep school sweater vest he had on 2 weeks ago, and into proper goth clothing, he seemed way more comfortable there.

Slayer has been out longer than I expected. Perhaps he went back up to the sky to be with her. Hopefully he has not abandoned me just yet.

This time tomorrow, it will be done. While all around me fight to be Whole, I go out and rip apart my soul. I already feel the effects of Pan's gift, and the Wylds, my humanity is slipping away. I don't know any more if it is who I am or who I am meant to be. Am I becoming Willow or am I slowly killing me?

I will be back Monday, everything changes Monday.
7.10.15

 

[Willow]

This too will pass

I feel like I am walking around with a hole in my chest. I am waiting to find the part I am missing yet I hunted and my blood lust was as pure as ever. I Went to the estate, but seeing Slayer isn’t going to be home any time soon, I didn't stay long.

It is almost like nothing changed, and that depresses me more then the idea I can't feel something. I went dancing, but didn't dance. It is not that I didn't feel the want to, just didn't feel safe. I do not know when this feeling started.

I chatted with Pan, tomorrow I am going to find out what she is. Hopefully give my wolf sister some answers she greatly wants. We talked about a lot of things, I want to know her better. Now that I have my pack now I need to know them, so I can lead them.

I do this so you Wolf sister Do not have to, I make this sacrifice because he always had my heart, now it will protect him. Wolf sister, you are worth much more than i as an Alpha can give, that is why you stand beside me. I give my soul to protect my pack. to protect Patch, to protect you.

I went to Matt's after, I just didn't want to be alone. It is nice to be around someone not in my pack, someone who isn't a wolf. We enjoy each others company, and he does not ask for closeness I can't give. Silly arctic fox, I made it thirty in his room, at least I'm a Wynter fae and like it cold.

Tonight I feel safe in his arms.
7.13.15

 

[Willow]

The color returns to the world

I think as far as I am concerned I am with Mathieu. I do not know where it will go or can go. He is accepting of what I am and what I can't give him. I enjoy spending time with him without the demands of a pack. I have spent the last week staying at his flat at night.

I did a blood scrying saw the bloodline of Pan. I am almost jealous of her in a way. I hope she values the choice she has in having a human soul. She is getting married tomorrow, Patch finally finding his true love. I feel avoid in my soul, I do not know how to feel.

Slayer came home his wolf demanding, greedy, and consuming. I soothed him and healed his shoulder so he would not continue to bleed all over the house. I sometimes wonder when I look in his red eyes, if he wants to kill me or not. He is ashamed of his wolf's blood-lust, It is for the best he doesn't remember. I had seen his wolf before, when he was blinded by it, when he did try to kill me and nearly killed Edgar.

I think the memory of that would wound him.

I am the Alpha, I can subdue him. Unlike Saint and Ian, who I can reason with and use logic to subdue. There is a connection there, I was worried it was because of Angelica. I no longer feel that is the case, I think I truly am the light, the only light he has to hold on to.

The Alpha Wolf
7.16.15

 

[Willow]

The bitter sweet bell

I don't remember if I went to a wedding when I was a child.. If I did I saw it through different eyes. It was an honor to stand with Patch, to be there as he and Pan's soul are bound as one. Though the more I listened the more I felt... different... no alien.

See how their love shines in the darkness. This is the true weapon that the forces of darkness will never share.

And again carnal desires.. I have no idea what it is like to want someone, my only desire is to hunt and kill. I do not want to be touched, I do not want to be caressed. I want to run through the woods chase Pray and feel my claws rip through flesh and bone. I want to protect my pack, my family with all my soul.

I see the wolves, but I can not make them follow. This is not a cabal where I leave stickies on a board to remind people, nor is there paperwork handed to me to know what people can and won't do. It is just the people I let close, they people I take time to heal and protect.

Paw prints in the snow leaving the circle of my fire. I gave chase once, but not a second time. Perhaps they will return to the fire, and safety, or perhaps they will find their own way.

The Alpha at the Fire
7.17.15

 

[Willow]

Shed no Tears.

It has been a long day, but not necessarily in a bad way. Woke up from a bad dream, Mat was there to comfort me. I have been worrying about Patch, about how he will react. It could all be for not, if he no longer loves me, if he no longer has a place for me in his heart.

I gave the Soul-Weapon to Patch. It shook him, and Pan. I do not think they realized that I will do whatever it takes to keep them safe. I looked up what Patch is, it is apart of what he is, if I didn't make this sacrifice it would some day fall on Pan. I am protecting them both this way.

I told Mat what I had done, how I made the Weapon I gave Patch. Not even skipping a beat, he admitted he was sad about what I sacrificed. Turning around almost in the same breath offering me apart of his soul. It can be done, but the ramifications ... worst I end up killing him. I will read about this more in the black book.

Darcy is back, but.. I think Marcus is gone. She brought me a ring she found I will have to identify it before I put it on. I can't read auras so I can't just ask it its nature. I will remember him I will remember the day I gave him the rabbit's foot and danced with him all night. He will be missed, I will not give up hope just yet.

7.20.15

 

[Willow]

A glimpse of normality

I finally saw Mat's new house while we were meeting with a maji about getting it warded. It's not as big or as old as Slayer's but perfect for two people and a cat. I will be dividing my time between there, Slayer's, and the wylds.

I have seen Rex on Twitter, finally met him in person. He is falling in love with my mother. I know Patch is still sizing him up. After Jack, I won't tolerate another person breaking her heart. They have no idea how hard it is for us to give so much of ourselves, to trust. I will end him, if he hurts her.

The opportunity came and I finally explained WHY I made that Soul-Weapon. I explained to him what he was, why it had to be my love. More importantly why it had to be me. Mother doesn't understand, and I wasn't the one who told her. Perhaps Pan did or Mat, I do not hold it against them. I know they worry about me. Also Mother is the only one who can stop me after I get an idea on my head.

Speaking of ideas, I have been reading the black book. The section on souls is interesting and scary. I am very tempted to allow Mat to give me apart of his soul, though it will also change in time just as I have.

It is a sacrifice, I don't know if I will allow him to make it. Allow him to sacrifice a piece of himself for me. For an Unseelie Fae who still will never be able to truly be with him, or ever be with anyone.

7.24.15

 

[Willow]

Missing Page

I went to the estate to grab the magically hidden things. Say goodbye to Edgar and the staff, they didn't ask because they know better then to. I know Slayer will be cross, and Mat may be as well. I can't really explain it to them. I know screaming – I DO NOT WANT TO BE TOUCHED- likely is just as dramatic as me disappearing from their homes.

There was a letter stuck to the fence at the edge of the wards. All it said was 'Someone important to you is at the Romani camp. You know the one.'

I went there, ready to destroy someone if it was about my past with the keepers. At first I didn't recognize him, long hair, messy trench coat. Not the pressed suit and perfectly cut hair, though the sword that will forever be the same.

Ivan my lost brother was there, talking to the tribe. He was shocked to see me, I was shocked to see him. The pain of.. regret. I wish he was there, I wish he was waiting for me when I got my freedom. I forgive him I know life as an immortal pains the soul. I see it every day in my mother.

We talked, it was nice. He apologized a lot. We agreed to meet or at least he will right me. I have a post box in the London. The Green Wylds doesn't get post service. I think he has sorted what he needs to do, his calling. Though I think he regrets leaving me behind.

7.27.15

 

[Willow]

The Long Road

I went out as soon as I got up, stupidly put on my makeup, I knew it would just end up being a mess. I saw Slayer's tweet that he was back in town.. and he looks like shit. We talked, it started as I expected.. but then it was like he suddenly got it. Complete support and understanding.

I am sick, and if I don't get better, I will become the very prey I hunt. Mother will find a way, I believe in her, and my new father Rex. I Refuse to take my gift back.. He needs it, I pray Patch never learns of the cost. I didn't expect it to be like this, that it would be so costly, I didn't take into account what I am, what this loss would do.

Went to meet Mat next, he left the box in the park and was nowhere to be seen. I feel bad for him, as bad as I can in this state anyway. I was foolish to think it could be that way, that I could be that close, without stirring his heart.

The no-show, left time to talk to Rex get to know him better. I think he is good for Mother, a lot in common. He told me they were connected, and it can't be undone. I will ask more about this later.

Ran into Nik at HG. I was meaning to talk to him about Darcy and Marcus. He told me she was dead, clearly afraid I was going to lash out at him. I know people die, I accept that. Darcy is however not just a person. She isn’t just going to die.. I told him that much. Offered to help any way I can.. though I didn't tell him I was not well. I will try to be careful.

7.29.15

 

[Willow]

Chasing the moon

I woke up seven miles outside of my territory. For some reason my blood lust brought me up the mountain instead of going towards new prey.

I have been thinking about Rex. I think he is what we need. He understands, not just me but also my mother. He wants to see us be strong, and most importantly not force us to change.

Change, Saint is changing. That is what happens to all who live in the Wylds. I hope it is what he wants, hopefully he can defeat his wolf and be happy again.

I scryed for Marcus today, only two drops of his blood left and four of Darcy's. It pains me to see him like this, beaten and breaking.

I had warned Darcy that when you scry on people, other people can look back. I spoke to one of keepers at well, it was informative. They fear Darcy, they fear us coming.

Something is clinging to my mirror, energy though I don't know whose. I locked it away in my territory stash. I can't risk bring it home not knowing where it came from.

I tried to put a protection spell on Marcus. I dumped enough energy in to it to hopefully protect him from a nuclear bomb.. Yea that much energy... I thank the full moon .

Ended my night dancing, and teasing Fen 'Sea Fox'. He is a good friend, I am lucky to have him around to talk to and chillax with. Some day I will get him to dance.. he says he use to so there is hope.

7.31.15

 

[Willow]

Sky of Diamonds

I spent the day in the castle, lazing about in my nightgown feeling like a princess. Spent some time just sitting and being close to mother as we drank coffee. It was nice to just sit there leaning on her listening and enjoying the caffeine.

After she was up I went to the gardens and watched the fae dance. I would have joined them but, I was very moody today. The Moon still pulls some at my wolf, it is darkness that does not trust, and is filled with a rage people should never see in me. I snapped at a Brownie, who was putting away some of the books I pulled down, I think I made it cry. I use to lash out like that when I was younger, before I have any control over my anger.

Lobster bisque as I watched the sun set over the ever winter mountains. The moon and diamonds in the black velvet sky. I think the moon is bigger here in the Wylds, It looks lopsided as it is no longer full, but it still pulls at me.

What will I become? Does it even matter anymore?

8.1.15

 

[Willow]

While I Still Care.

I have had nightmares, night terrors, the worst of the worst. Last night, was by far the worst, no twisted replaying of my past can even come close to compare.

{Ink splotch}​

I can't even write it, I just pray to Gaia, this is not what I become.

Saint left the Green today, Mother thinks he is finally well enough to go out. I can tell he is still adjusting to the changes, to his wolf being now Unseelie. I can see it purple haze in his eyes the Wolf surfaces. Green is Saint, playful afraid Saint.

He asked for me today, asked for me as an Alpha. He was afraid of how Ophelia would react, not just to him coming back, changed. He also has been helping Lily, and not just in the lets sit and talk sort of way. We wouldn't have been able to help him, when he snapped, his wolf lashed out at everyone it felt had abandoned him. With Lily though, she was broken, scared, and needing him to be more, for his wolf to be more. She is the reason he is doing better, that he is out laying in the sun and making jokes. I am happy to have him back.

He and Ophelia are set to be engaged, not only did she happily accept him back, even with all the fine print. She also accepted Lily into their lives. Though I do not know what Lily wants. I only see glimpse of her in the Castle, and I can smell her on Saint.

Called Nik to meet me, I wanted to let him know what I found. I am glad I followed my gut on that Mirror. The Death magic in it Might be Marcus' or perhaps even the people who have him. Nik thinks he may be able to use it.

8.3.15