Journal Diary of Willow Vallen

[Willow]

The fight with the demon blood left me hating life so I slept in most of the day. Ran in to pan as soon as I got to London she helped me recover from that. That binding I made, well it ended up becoming his new seal. I had never done that before, thank gaia Pan was here and one of his trusted.

I would never have been able to pull that off alone, not with out dieing. Pan was able to restrain him, and provide the power I needed to transfer the runes of binding to his skin. I have never channeled so much anima in my life, my wolf even helped.

People, they are sacred, all of my wolf pack is important to me. Especially the wolves who are lost in the cold dark and alone. Who other than an Alpha can walk before those lost in the dark and slowly remind them that there is more.

I will not ask them to the hunt, nor will I pull them from the cold dark by their scruffs. I give them the one thing they need, not what they may want, but need.

A friend.

Lone Alpha Wolf
5.25.15

 

[Willow]

They didn't find my Diary, so I can still write in it, have to take it away from Green Gardens though. I had hoped things had changed, and they did for a while. This all has something to do with me trying to kill the old man, and the blackout.

I wish I could scream, go to my friends and hide. I can't, I must go out and pretend to smile. I know they would want to help me, but how can they? Killing my Keepers will only doom me, telling them would only drive them to action.

I know I have to go out tomorrow, I don't want to stay here if I have a choice to go out. I can't even ask my friends to heal me. I hate feeling so alone.

I never wanted to be caged like this again..

Lone Alpha Wolf
5.26.15

*Blood splatters on the bottom ofthe page.*

 

[Willow]

I went out, it was difficult at first, when did I get so use to tell the truth. Why does this fake smile seem less real than the other ones I have done on hard weeks. It is because I genuinely want to run away, want to scream and hide under someone’s bed?

I told Slayer some of what happened, he was really concerned about me being down. Of course his first reaction was to slaughter them. Though I told him before that leaves me just as caged hiding from hunters. He cares more than he lets on, and that is good, it means I was right about him.

After talking there was an idea.. I dare not write it here. I never know if this book is safe or not. I am spending every last penny I have to get the materials for it, and still I may pass out with the spell even with the Anima umm.. seed.. Pan gave me. I can feel the seed, I am not sure what it is exactly but I have not had a chance to ask her about it.

Kabol, Met him in town hall. He seems normal enough, Fun personality, risk taker, flirt. I will be teaching him magic, well the basics, seeing he is a bee there is only so much I can show him. Going to see how far we can get with experimentation once he is not likely to just explode. There hast to be more to him, so I will just have to wait for the other shoe to drop.

Lone Alpha Wolf
5.27.15

 

[Willow]

Saw Patch today, wow I miss him so much. Just being able to talk to him and know he is doing alright made me feel so much better. I told him.. my plan, he didn't call it stupid, also things I am worried about. He is supportive as always.. said pan is concerned for me as well.

Honestly I'm terrified.

I have seen men like this before, I know it will only get worse. No.. he will not stop till he breaks me, and the Willow everyone knows is gone. I don't want to have my soul rendered, I fear him.

Lone Alpha Wolf
5.28.15

 

[Willow]

My day started oddly. Nikoli. He was at the bar jotting things down in a small book. He is very lived, I could tell he was more than just a bee early on. He has been teaching Quinn magic I guess. I met Quinn once before she really just didn't want anything to do with me. I was being super nice and bought her a sandwich. That was easily a month ago.

She came in and was upset with a vision he showed her. I broke it up seeing all he was doing is apologizing and drawing a crowd. I could tell they would all side with Quinn without knowing what happened. I could tells he was not just a human, I was correct perhaps a witch as well.

Found out after it all he was a Vampire. Least that is what people around me said. So I will have to keep an eye out for him. If he is not a trouble maker I will not have to drop his name to Levi. If he is.. well Levi will have to sort him out. I don't even know what kind he is so more questions coming soon.

Nerante and I talk, gave him a plan to handle his problem, hopefully he can find a place to train hidden. Besides that I have the run of his place, sending things there for the spell. Will need pan to pull it off when it comes time.

Met Patch and Pan next I loved seeing them. I miss Patch and it warms my heart to see them. Pan tells me it is a seed, that it will grow if I nurture it. Hopefully it I not going to be something scarey.

I don't want to go back, I don't want to. I wish I could stay here or with them or.. Gods.. I have never been afraid. I am hiding this in the London tube station, hopefully this is not my last entry.

Lone Alpha Wolf
5.29.15

 

[Willow]

I met a Raven today, she was holding out a silver cross and said, it was a gift for “One of the Wild.” Of course Patch was protective of me, I have been vulnerable the last week and I know he will always be there for me.

She saw my wolf, and my pain. Told me it was to help me feel better and for being good. I seem to have a way with such people. Zyrkin, the Raven. I had no problem understanding her and accepting the gift. In return I gave her a focus crystal, well it was it cracked under the strain of the Anima.

She liked it, and left happy enough. I brought up Revenant, she reacted as I suspected. Saying she won't go back. I wonder what kind of spirit she was before finding the ravens. She seems benevolent, and has the seer's aspect of the raven.

I hope to see her again and find out more.. when things are better.

 

[Willow]

I learned today that Pan saw, I don't know how, perhaps by magic alone, or our wolves. I am, horrified that she saw what he had done, that she had to experience it. She looked tired, and her opal ring was angry all day.

I saw patch briefly to he wondered off with Gin. I didn't know till later that he was in possession of an Aten artifact. Angi had it before him, he saved her from it. I guess it makes people kill for an hour or so a day.

I worry for Patch, not because I do not think he can handle himself. Because I know this will call out to his wolf, though he has a balance many of the wolves in my pack don't have. A balance I do not want him to lose.

I love him.

I watched Angi Suffer, she tried to tell me before. I can't help her, I can't even bring myself to sit near her. Angi is a flame, a fire hidden in a person. I, don't want to harm anyone, after the weekend of being tortured with the flames.. my wolf would quickly try to protect me from friend or foe.

Lone Alpha Wolf
6.1.15

 

[Willow]

Talked to Slayer early today, I could barely hold myself together. I know what I have done, I can feel it tearing at my soul. When I am free of that place, I want that man to suffer, a thousand deaths for what he has done to me. Slayer promised he would suffer an hour for every minute of pain, days for every hour of suffering.. None of it will save me now, I have taken a life, I have taken a soul.

I can't bring myself to tell them what I had done. How I took that man's soul, now I know, I took my family’s souls. One by one as they died in the fire, they did not go to the life after they went to me. What am I? The Mark is not complex enough to be taking souls.. I am. It does do something though, I can feel it burn when it happens.

I felt nothing when he died, that scares me almost as much as the fact I took his soul..

Talked to Pan and Patch next. She fished charging the crystals so I will set the runes before I head back to that place. Patch will hunt him as well, Keeper will never know peace or safety again, and be far too busy to worry about if the body is really me. I just need to survive one more day.. I then will be free. It still feels impossible, like I am building a rocket out of cardboard boxes to go to the moon.

Lone Alpha Wolf
6.3.15

 

[Willow]

I could not be prouder of my Pack, my family. It is casting day, we gathered at the estate and everyone knew their part all focused on success. Pan and I did the ritual, rendering ourselves helpless physically and mentally. Slayer and Patch protected us from the monsters drawn by the magic, it was like a beacon to them.

I do not know what they fought, they said vampires, and werewolves, Patch got to fay that is classified as a Nibbler, it eats magical objects. It was in my opinion the smallest and most destructive creature to arrive.

During the ritual I saw fire, crawling up the walls in bubbling plumes, like I had seen when I was six, when the room was engulfed in fire. I focused, and tried not to see it tried not to loose my focus. This took a toll, and I could tell Pan saw something to. Though it seemed like forever I could hear Patch talk over my head piece, but it was like he was so far away.

I'm exhausted, lying here on the floor watching Pan paint the best replica of the tattoo she can. They all came together, and by this time tomorrow I will be free.

Lone Alpha Wolf
6.5.15

 

[Willow]

I made a list of things to do today, first was to get that rune up off the floor in the basement. I think if allowed I would like to put my infusing circle down there. I have an ammo round I want to try to duplicate for Patch. One of his 'world breakers' so I have to reverse engineer it first.

With the maid's help we will got the rune up and new coat of resin for future rune crafting. I helped with some of the holes that were put in the house yesterday, I guess you don't need much skill to patch the roof and walls up.

I skipped out before lunch and bought some book shelves, and a comfy Huge bean bag chair from Lovesac. Spent the afternoon setting up my two sets of books, my comics and my magical books. I stole more than a self full of books from the Green Garden.

Edgar seemed sad that I didn't eat lunch. I am really not use to people worry about me, I mean Pan and patch do, but it is not like they know when I haven't eaten.

First day of freedom, and I am feeling pretty good, The bed will arrive tomorrow. I will sleep on my new soft bag tonight.

Lone Alpha Wolf.
6.7.15

 

[Willow]

Someone left me white sunflowers! They are albinos like me. I won't say who.. but they are wonderful.

I have had to make some changes. I put a workbench down stairs and shelves for rune making and alchemy. I no longer have a healer on call to patch me up, I kept my old books from learning alchemy, so I am now making healing potions. I also made a first aid kit to keep on my in my bag, I am on my own now. Guess that is what witches do..

Spoke to a demon today, it was interesting to see what he lashed out about. Interesting to see the fears expressed as rage, though I did learn a lot form that talk. I will speak to him again, he may not respond but that is fine to. Just like my other wolves, he is still apart of my pack.

Patch called Pan his Heart, my heart nearly stopped. I had all but forgotten he called me that.. I just froze staring at him.. at him staring at Pan. I am happy for them.. Just startled me, reminded me of my sacrifice.

Rules for Slayer's house
1: Stay out of his room.
2: Don't change things out of my Territory — So stay in my room and basement.
3: No touchy the radio in the Gym – Who still listens to Phil Collins?
4: Put stuff back don't go on a rampage and break his things.


When I came in Edgar helped me bring in the bags I had. Then as foreseen gave me stake, with some veggies and it was all super tasty. I think this will all work out great, as long as Slayer tolerates me.

Lone Alpha Wolf
6.8.15

 

[Willow]

Copal adopted me. “Willow, of the House of Shattered Stars “ Now I sound uber important. Copal says she wants to take me there. I want to see it, what a fay house looks and feels like. I don't want to leave Slayers house though I feel super safe there. I don't think Copal will ask me to move in now when I have been here for this long.

Marcus, I have seen him a dozen times but he was always super distracted or spacing out. He knows Copal, Patch, and Pan, so it was about time I met him. I like him, he was willing to dance at the parties. I gave him my number, see if he sticks around and becomes a friend. He seemed to be getting over some dark times, and seeing I made this Rabbit foot to help sooth, it clearly was for him. I hope he sticks around he seems to be someone I can talk to. You know like there is a connection there, like I felt with Ivan.

I lent out my room in the HG to a young kid, he didn't have anyplace to stay. I know from living out in the streets for a year on and off that he will be thankful for a nice hot shower.

I have a wonderful day of celebrating and dancing, and just being free.

I told Copal some of what happened to me, even the super short version. She will kill him, after Patch and Slayer get there fill. I know she is one of the few who can truly kill him. I know Slayer would happily hunt him and kill him for all eternity, till his mind and soul broke. But I want more then that.. I want him to fear, truly fear death, before it's delivered. Not only that... but Slayer has other things to do with his time.

Speaking about Slayer meet me while I was out stomping some Trolls. He seems surprisingly to be a good teacher, giving me some pointers on my claw stiles. He also wanted to clarify the rules since he was cross when he said them last.

The real Rules.
1) Stay out of his room.
2) Don't go messing up the house and not put it back.
3) Take my own music to Gym
4) If I ever feel unsafe in the house tell him. It's my home to.

Lone Alpha Wolf ... of the House of Shattered Stars
6.9.15

 

[Willow]

I had a wonderful day hunting did it till I was about to fall over.

Went and met Slayer next had a chat with his wolf. So far everything has gone as I expected in the conversations. Very insightful.

Talking to Saint was nice, he seems like a good person, mother likes him. I think he had a bit of PTSD when Angi showed up.

Of course when the day is going so well some ass hats had to ruin it for me. Sitting in the corner talking about us like we weren't even there. Three of them one named Klaus, Mat and.. A guy we missed the name of.

Clearly they are ignorant calling Angi a Freak for her inability to just walk. Not understanding she just thinks of where she wants to be and her magic takes her. Then they have the gall to say I'm not a real Romani. Like they know anything, eavesdropping and then turning to judge me. Like they have any idea what my life is like.

Trying twitter, but now I feel like I am already regretting it. People like them make me want to just go to the deep woods and never come back. Looking to hurt people, looking to cause trouble. Worse than Filth.

Lone Alpha Wolf
6.12.15

 

[Willow]

My first weekend out on my own.

I decided to stick to what I know and went hunting someplace newish. I have been going and visiting with the Families in the Shadowy Woods. Helping out where I can, on little things as a Fellow Traveler. So I went there to hunt, seeing I had been practicing on the trolls already.

I just let loose, no holding back no limits. It was wonderful. Hunting monsters like deer to a wolf.

Not even paying attention when I finally left the Gaia scar and found myself heading up a mountain. The wilds like a green carpet laying over the mountains, clean chilled air. Took a pick for twitter, then went further up above the tree line.

Beautiful perfect snow covered mountains. So I did the only thing a person of my age would do, I made a snowman with a huge grin and a scarf I had with me, and a carrot Edgar packed in my lunch. Played in the snow some before heading back down the mountain.

Found a lake, so I climbed a big tree and set up my hammock for sleeping. The clouds cleared and the stars, like diamonds in the sky. I remember looking at them with my real mother, she telling me the constellations and where they came from. I could get lost looking at them, everything just melts away. The soreness from the hunt, the heartache, the worry, the gods damned war.

Got home really late, and went to bed without waking anyone up. This was a good first weekend of freedom.

Lone Alpha Wolf
6.14.15

 

[Willow]

One of my new friends is in need of help, but he did not ask himself. I meet people who care about him and found out that way. When I meet him he looked fine, but I know the power to hide the truth behind the mask.

Then the day just fell to shit. Pan and Patch are being hunted. I can't do anything to help. I don't know where they are or who I have to kill to keep them safe. They did ask me to tell Mother .. so I did that. I hate knowing my Pack is in danger MY family .. and I can do nothing.

Course then I was in a protective mood hackles up .. why possessed me to talk to Nik about things then I have no idea. At least he doesn't hate me for cornering him.

They took Patch, They have threatened my pack. I will make sure they pay for harming him, not just now but for what they did to him last time. For breaking his soul, and stealing his warmth. They will pay, Mother and I will hunt them.

For now I wait, I hate waiting. Every fiber of my being wants to go and lay waste of everyone in my way. It is so hard to hold back, I have never felt this much rage before. Even when I was being tortured, no this is primal.

Mother insisted we go to the Green, she wants to protect us. We are us three is everything he loves in this world. They want to kill Pan, they want to break him again. I will NOT allow it!

FUCKING PISSED OFF ALPHA WOLF
6.15.15

 

[Willow]

Missing Diary Page

I finally got to see what Home looks like. I know it sounds weird, to say. Seeing I had a Romani home, and the GG cage, and now I am standing in the Green, the home of my blood.

Not that it stops me from pacing in the corner, like a rabid wolf. They try to get me to eat, try to show me to a soft wonderful bed. But here I pace, the rage as my blood boils, knowing if I sleep I will dream and if I dream I will have a terror, and all this energy will release.

I know that they don't want me going out and leaving this safe place, but I must. Back to Eldwick, away from the protection. I need to find a way to sooth my Wolf, so I can sleep, and the brownies and sprites can fuss over me as I have my nightmares.

I ran into Marcus Perfect! I took him to back stage and danced with him. It helped us both. Though I didn't know Darcy and Nikoli was keeping secrets from him. I thought he knew.. But perhaps this is better, I made sure he knew the severity of all this. I told him of what little I knew, I think I saw the spark in his eyes, the moment where he went. ' oh shit this is bad'

I will help if they want me to.. If it comes down to the wire I will force help on them. It is not my Pack it is his, but he is my friend.

Went back to The Green, feeling much better, was able to help someone, and decompress some. Though someone I love is being tortured right now, as I write this. He wants us to wait, he wants us to stay our hand time he is ready.

Ian my Alpha.. I trust you. Please be ready soon, and come out alright. I am We are here for you to help you after, no matter what.

The Lost Alpha.
6.15.15

 

[Willow]

It may sound childish, but I'm still holding out hope for Cici. For some reason I can't accept she is dead. I primed a soul shard for her just..just in case. Yes I know, more forbidden magic. I don't care anymore, how can I still be one of them? I take souls, I am a monster of their nightmares and folklore. No, whatever it takes to keep my pack safe, It no longer matters, their rules no longer matter.

We are in a sorry state, -My- pack is wounded and sheltered. Two of my strongest are down, and must heal. Not wound of the body, no of the mind and soul. No amount of hunting I do will help them. Their is no spell I know that can ease their pain.

My Wolf, yes I will call him that till he tells me to stop. They tortured him, mind and body. Putting false images into his mind of him killing us. Killing those he holds most dear, over and over again. When he is awake he thinks he has joined us in the life after, when he sleeps, he sees those lies, he relives the loss of us over and over.

Slayer, however his illness.. I have not yet found the cause of, I know he was doing an act of kindness, for me. Something happened, something from the past came to him and forced him to retreat into his own mind. He to is living through the loss of his loved ones, who died to the filth and were freed by his blade.

Crying Alpha Wolf
6.17.15

 

[Willow]

I saved him.. Goddess mother Gaia I have no idea how it worked. I pulled his soul free, gods it hurt not just my hand on the burning coals but that tattoo. My back was on fire, I think it's there to keep me from doing things like this.

It is almost chilling to see two of my pack go through nearly the same experience. He too was being forced to watch and witness the deaths of his loved ones over and over again. There is no vengeance I can have, no one to kill.

I spent most of my day there talking to him after, of course unlike Patch I had to Deal with Slayer's blood lust. Edgar got pretty injured, and Slayer was messed up.. so more blood magic. I am still not sure what caused him to walk in to the Dark one's cage like that. Was it that Wolf hunter again trying to force Slayer to be the pray he wants?

They both will be piecing together what happened and what is real for some time. My part for the most part is done, I get some time to heal.

So question of the day.. What am I?
What I know. - Unseelie fey, Overwhelming urges to protect people, protect my Pack. My emotions are very potent, I don't feel the passion of love, I take souls of the ones I kill.

Someone once called me a child of Medeina. She in my books was a lone maiden who refused a mate, took to the woods and lead a pack of ten wolves. She protected the forest from all who would take it as their own. Hunters would be lead away by the sound of music and those malicious would find her pack waiting to destroy them. She is said to be both angelic and demonic, good and evil, benevolent and malevolent.

Is that what I am.. was she a Fae human saw as a goddess? Is that why Copal adopted me, she saw something more? I will talk to Mother about this soon, it is hard to be between worlds, am I a weapon? A lost soul of Medeina? Or just a monster who doesn't know how to be evil?

Willow Alpha Wolf
6.19.15

 

[Willow]

Father's day.

I can't help but miss them more today than any other day. Yes I love my mother to, but she was ill most of the time. Father took care of us both, when she couldn't because the visions would sap the life from her.

They died, I was just a child with very little magic having no idea what I was. I had no idea the burning I felt was not the flames breaking through the shield my mother made, but my wolf taking the souls offered. A year ago May, I went to the mass grave. Another tribe came and made it for them. Not far from the lake and lavender fields.

Today was a sad day, I spent it sitting ageist Slayer's door, crying on and off with my blue tooth speaker playing my goth playlist. I wanted company and he wanted to hide, it was a good middle ground. I think he is piecing some of what happened, and is ashamed... I do know his greatest fear.

I must have fallen asleep there, woke up in my bed.

The person behind the mask, moments of vulnerability, a softness I am pretty damned sure no one else will ever see. I am honored to see them, and be here for him. I still worry for him and Patch, I know they will heal mind and soul, just I know neither of them will be the same.

Alpha Wolf
6.21.15

[Picture of Mass grave paperclipped to lower right of page]

 

[Willow]

Oh Jack, dear dear Jack.

So much I can say and so much I won't. Fast friends with this one, a complicated Wolf. He challenged me, being a fellow Alpha. He has been enlightened to his place in the hierarchy, and that is for now below me. My mother for now is enjoying his attention, I have made it clear to him that I am not my Mother. He understands and knows I am alright with the flirting but there is a place where I will squirt him with ice water. I will be keeping this one, He is fun to be around.

Slayer gave me a gift. A broach that is of a lavender flower, its perfect. I will have to put it on the shelf next to my mother's rabbit foot. It is so beautiful and perfect for me, the best gift I have gotten to date. I put a picture from my phone on here, because reasons.

Slayer left his den today and ate two meals worth left and went hunting. He looks to be starting to recover. I still do not know how he got into the Dark One's cage. I believe it when he says he was being opportunistic. The he told me his real name today.. I was shocked for a few moments when I realized that is what it was. This Gift is even better than the broach, sacred and one of a kind. No other ears will ever hear or lips say.

The night terrors they are only getting worse, no longer of the flames. Not my parents and family who are long dead, no now of people I love and care about with all my soul now. Slayer up on spikes, as a sword is driven through his heart, the blood never stops flowing. Ian as they rip his mind and soul apart trying to force piece into the wounds of his soul. Screaming as he is bound tangled in wires and false memories.

Willow Alpha Wolf
6.22.15

[Picture of Silver Purple Crystal Lavender Brooch paper clipped in corner]