Epic Rap Battles of The Secret World!

[Nicole Silvestri]

As a fan of the YouTube series 'Epic Rap Battles of History', I've always wanted to write a rap battle between two TSW characters.

Too avoid any OOC bias I knew I wanted two characters of the same player. But using my own characters would have been too easy. So the problem was always finding two characters of the same player, where I was familiar enough with BOTH characters to write them, AND where I could actually imagine the characters hating eachother.

I finally found two suitable characters in Phillipa Graeling and Camilla Bliesner.

And while their player has sadly left the game months ago, I see several of you still around who've RPed with both these characters, so I publish this hoping some of you can still get a chuckle out of it. The player already saw this and gave me permission to publish it back when I wrote this almost exactly a year ago now.

 

[Nicole Silvestri]

Background:
After being humiliated by Council Tribune Phillipa Graeling during operation Evening Emerald, Templar Knight Commander Mager contracts witch-for-hire Camilla Bliesner to put the Tribune in her place - with a rap battle!

And so we get….
EPIC RAP BATTLES
OF THE SECRET WORLD

VS

BEGIN!​

"So you need a little angel's wings to be clipped?​

Well I'm a busy witch so I'll have to make this quick.
But I guess I can spare time for just a little bit.
To whip this boring twit with my wit and magic."


"I'm being insulted and I've no idea why.
But I'm not going to dignify
this with a reply."

"Must be nice to not have a care
who your words might cause pain.
But my words could start a war
so I had to learn restraint."

"I don't know what I did to deserve all this ire.
But you better knock it off before I bring on the fire."


"Oh you think your fire tricks
make you so hot?
My daily pack of cigs
gives off more smoke than you got!"

"Bitch, I'm a witch,
I got fire, ice, and lightning,
water, wind, and weather
that would tear out your feathers,
and things a hundred times more frightening."

"And that's not even a tiny fraction of all the spells I pack.
Compared to me you're not a one-trick pony,
you're a one-trick phony
with both hands tied on yer back."

"And knock off you say? Well I’m guessing I'll just have to!
Cause knocking you up is something even my magic can’t do!
All those maternal feelings and sterile as a mule.
And all because you can't break Mommy's antiquated rule.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'd want a baby on my arm.
But the way you dote over that glorified chicken is serious cause for alarm."


"Now you've made me cross,
and that's not a line you want to cross,
because if I stop bearing my cross,
it's a world of pain I'll throw you across!"

"Punish me to your liking
but leave alone those I love
or I swear you'll get a smiting
that you swore came from Above."

"Yes, my relationship with my mother is not the very best.
But at least she didn't try to kill me when I started growing breasts."

"You want to talk about skill?
I most happily will!
Cause you have none of it
All you have is inherited,
passed down from your grandmother's will."

"Built up by the blood of generations before,
fed you through that unholy Arterial Grimoire.
Face it, for all your street talk, you're a silver spoon.
Spoiled princess in a castle, ego like a balloon.
Inflated and fragile. And I know I should feel bad,
about popping it, but you've incurred my wrath.”


"Your mother didn't have to try, the demons did it in her stead.
And did she try to protect you? No, that would never enter her head!
She was done with you from the moment she got your father into bed."

"Call me a silver spoon? A spoiled princess? For real?
Cause you're so much Daddy's little angel, I feel
like I'm talking to a Disney princess who jumped off the movie reel!
You live in the villa he left you, for fuck's sake!
You can't cook. We've all seen what happens when you try to bake a cake.
Seriously, if the Council ever decides you're too rash,
you can become the next Elsa, they'll hire you in a flash!"

"I killed my own parents, how's that for independent?
And I'm still better off than you, clutching onto that stupid pendant!
I don't have to shed a single tear for them, after how that went.
Your father's death left you broken, mine just taught me to bend!"


"Now listen here, you sorry excuse for a moral being,
if you can even exert yourself enough to get my meaning:"

"A sorceress better than you once told me,
on a date,
where we come from doesn't determine who we'll be,
it's our choices that make our fate."

"So tell me what you do with all your talents, I beseech?
You don't train them, you don't develop them, you just live off them like a leech.
With some effort and training you could do so many wonderful things.
But all you really care about is gathering more... bling.
Tell me, have you ever in your life exerted yourself for anything?
Then I’ll tell you how empty life is without the fulfillment that brings!"

"I go to bed every night feeling exhausted but good,
knowing I did some good
or at least all I could."

"Shall we sum up what gives my life value, that's missing from yours?
Morality. Faith. A goal in life. A belief worth fighting for.
Respect. Discipline. Decency. A place I call home, and more.
Aspirations. Ambitions. Hopes and dreams. Pride in what came before.
The sense not to put my breasts on twitter for every creep to adore.
All these things you cannot buy, no matter how much money you store."

"Every time you revive at a well,
does a piece of yours
get left behind?
Because you're no more
than an empty shell
in which you, terrified, hide.
And your fear,
I fear,
is warranted as well:
There's nothing there inside."


"You're lecturing me about satisfaction, you arrogant loudmouth?
Don't make me laugh!
You've been with your girlfriend a year, and she still hasn't put out!
You still haven't tapped that ass!"

"Your bed must be a cold place, like it's owner so dour.
No wonder you need those chivalrous thoughts to keep you warm.
I'm not exhausted when I go to bed, but I am after two hours.
Cause when I go to bed, there's a real man there, waiting for my arms."

"Let's sum up what gives my life value, that you ain't quite got down pat.
Fun. Thrill. Humor. Pleasure. Oh yes, and a sex life, there's that!"

"Are you seriously questioning, whether I do any real work?
My work makes me more in an hour, then your whole lineage has donated to church!"

"I put my boobs on twitter, yeah, you really wanna go there?
Cause then I'm bringing up your legs, and those skimpy gym clothes you wear.
Face it, you're more of a twitter show-off than I ever was!
You train for hours every day just to get some ooohs and aaaahs!
Are you just jealous maybe that I get more likes for less?
I don't need to train muscles, I'm naturally hot, I confess.
And unlike your pumped up body, mine still looks good in a dress."

"And while we're talking envy,
I almost forgot, you're not a bee.
So you'll never ever be able to beat me."

"Kill me ten times,
I'll still be fine.
Just one death for thine
and it's end of the line.
Here, have a dime,
for the ferry ride
to the land of eternal sunshine.
I hope there you can put up a better rhyme."


"Mock my physique
with every rhyme you can find,
give it your best,
it won't knock me off base.
None of your magic
will save your behind,
when I kick you in the chest,
or punch you in the face."

"Yes, I will die some day, after a life well spent,
what will you tell your maker about where your years went?
I doubt it'll impress how often you got bent."

At least your boyfriend's a hero, that I admit.
That's probably the only good thing you ever did.
Too bad it's hardly proving to your benefit.
He's a rhino in a china shop, subtle as a brick,
unlikely to give you the much-needed kick,
you need to stop acting like a spoiled rich chick.
Maybe instead of fawning over his... you know very well,
Maybe try on some Dickens; a Christmas Carol, just a small novelle.
Even someone with your patience should get through it in a spell.
Let it show you what happens if you only look out for yourself."

"When you do die, and you will, bee or no bee -
In fact I hear an early death kind of runs in your family.
- you'll have only him to mourn you, no family left, no friends,
and any who'll recall you at all will recall you only as a means to an end."


"And you think you'll be remembered for doing heroic deeds?
When you're not buried at your desk in forms and letters and sheets,
you're a foot soldier for the Council, a cause as lost as your sex life.
They'll send a medal to your funeral, and put your name in an archive."

"While I'm the last surviving descendant of the blood witches line,
if either of us will grab greatness, then that bitch is mine.
You can't even destroy a stock of demonic wine
without having to fill out a form ten times!"
The only thing great about your work
is the size of the mountain of paperwork
that you fill out every day, you dork."

"And I'm sure your funeral is going to be just packed,
because you're such a socialite! Oh wait no, in fact...
You're a dork. A librarian. Not much time for making friends
when you bury yourself in papers day to day, with no end.
You even work on your days off, that's sadder than the latest fashion trend!"


"At least I'm not afraid to open my real self to all.
You're so afraid you've built up a wall.
If anyone saw the real you, you'd fall."

"So desperate for approval, but afraid to even ask.
I sit behind a desk, but you, you sit behind a mask.
Me, I don't need anyone's approval, but my own.
So whatever the outcome here today, I've already won."


"You're afraid to even tell people what you really are!
So you don't you dare
set me the bar!"

"Your real self is arrogant, snobby, and boring as fuck.
You want to show that off to people? I wish you luck!
Even no personality at all is better than being stuck
with one so stuck-up
that you can't even duck
when facing someone with an obvious level up
on your rapping skills that, by the way, suck."


"You call me boring, yet you’re getting me bored.
Come at me then, if you want even more.
Let me show you a Librarian's words
are mightier than her sword."


"Come on, you two! What's with all the hate?
I don't know what happened to get you in this state...
Maybe you both just stayed up working too late!
But look, I made you cupcakes! An entire plate!
So let's all sit down together and enjoy how they taste.
So we can remember this later as a time we in harmony ate.
It'll be like a picnic! Won't that be great?"


"Out of my way, you schizophrenic.
I need the mic
to rip into this chick.
I got promised a good tip
if I can make her flip.
Maybe she sleeps on a cloud,
but I need a new king-size.
So she's about to find out
why I'm called Blies on the Prize."


"Katya, you're very sweet. You're a dear.
But I’m afraid you lack the mental faculties to understand what's going on here.
So please just stay clear.
I need to teach a witch proper respect for fire, I fear.
And I'd rather you not be anywhere near.
Because it will not be a pretty thing to see or hear."


"No, I will not stay clear or get out of the way!
Not until you've both heard what I have to say!
I'll not let you fight on this lovely day in May!
So ehm.. I'll just be a little rude now, if that's okay?"

"Pippa, you need to learn to have some fun!
Working all the time isn't good for anyone!
And you need to stop worrying all the time!
Look at me, I just let things happen, and I'm fine!
You act like everything that happens is your res... your res...pon... your fault!
It's not! Okay? Trust me! I can tell! It's for what my brain was built!
Just worry about making your own life fun, not about the entire world!
Try something new, without thinking too much, and see what wonders unfold!"

"Cammy, you need to stop acting so tough!
What's the point? You're just making things rough
on yourself and everyone! Do you really think they'll like
a strong angry woman more than one who is nice?
You're a super powerful witch! You don't need to prove anything to anyone!
Let them see it for themselves. Look at me, I'm frail and dainty as they come!
But I'm honest about it, and people seem to like me! Not everyone, but some!
And that's all you need! Not everyone has to like you, just the right ones!"

"Now, if you both follow my advice,
I'm sure you'll both be much happier very soon!
And then you'll no longer have to fight!
So let's have ice cream instead! Who needs a spoon?"


"..."


"..."


"I'm sorry, Katya, but a deal's a deal.
I said I'd break this woman and I can't do less.
I can't quit a job based on how you feel.
I have professional pride, no matter what she says."


"This witch made a mockery of everything I value.
I can't allow her to ever do that again.
Katya, I'm truly sorry if this hurts you.
But I need to teach this woman some discipline."


"Discipline, you say? That is amusing.
I recall beating that into you took many a bruising."


"Who...?"


"What…?"


"Where…?"


"You did not think you could have a fight without me, did you?
Now, before I begin,
I don't know what weird world we are in
that we are all forced to talk in rhyme
but I will play these childish games one more time.
It will be worth it to tell it to you all true."

"But should anyone want to critique my rhymes, please do bear
in mind I will quickly show that person my real skills lie elsewhere.
You can quote the Una, but not to mock her words.
Unless you want it to be the last time you use your vocal cords."

"Pippa, you are a hypocritic self-righteous poser.
Everything you have been flaunting all this rap you stole from me.
I am not surprised your tenure with the Templar is over.
Let me guess, they practised their hypocritic evil deeds too openly?
You tried to kill me. You are no better than me. You just want to believe you are.
And did great at cheating and ruining my life. So I'm sure the Council and you will go far.
I hear your girl has nightmares, about monsters from beyond spacetime and worse?
You should straddle her while she has one, to finally ride a higher-dimensional horse."

"And you, redhead, tell me why you put all that paint on your body?
I will not lie. Know what I see? A very large bullseye. Around your ass.
A witch with more talent than training is like a land with more gold than army.
And you make for a more inviting plunder than America once was.
Then you advertise it around, acting tough as if you cannot be killed.
You should take a lesson from these two, and realize you are small and frail.
I could kill you thirty-three different ways faster than you could sneeze.
You are just lucky nobody has ever put a price on the Blies."

"And you, blondie, I truly doubt anything I say, you could understand.
But I will keep it simple, I know you are used to being taken by the Hand.
You are more of a puppy than those pictures you like on the internet.
Lapdog to the Dragon, and lapdog to that dead Russian woman in your head.
And you're disgustingly happy every time they throw you a honeyed bone.
Could you take at least a little bit of control over the life that is your own?
Were we all like you, we would wait excited for the Filth to devour us all.
Then thank it for the beautiful tentacles it made grow out of our ear canal."

"I already used negative numbers to measure my faith in humanity,
but seeing you three
I'll have to dip into the imaginary."

"Now that I have given you all a piece of my mind,
you may take a shot back at me, if you would be so kind.
Either way, the rest of this day, I will spend it in your presence.
If you don't come to your senses, I'll be in on whatever the dance is.
Will we end it with confections, or will we end it with violence?
I think you all can guess, what my preference is."


"..."


"..."


"..."


"These are really nice cupcakes."


"Yeah, they really are."


"Thanks, you two!"


"I suppose they are adequate."