Journal Diary of Willow Vallen

[Willow]

Alright I once swore I would never keep a diary.
People are complicated.. and Tie begged me to leave some sort of dairy. She said, it will be to remember me by when I die. I wonder who has been giving her those cheery thoughts..

So what wonderfulness do I open my first dairy journal with..
Dating.. The dreaded D word.

So they say experience is the best teacher, but you come out of that dojo all bruised and hurt. I find I can learn a lot just by watching other people fall over and get all scraped up. Yes.. it sounds cold on paper, they ARE my friends. I just wish I could help, but no amount of natures fury will change anything going on while I'm here grounded.

So.. observations. If I ever Date.. before I die a horrible death or become a monster.
If I go missing, my man had better be alerting the national guard, deploying helicopters and paying every seer in a fifty mile radius to look for me.

Also, if I am pushing people away.. going back to that dark place. He had better be there with flowers, anything to keep me from getting lost in the silence.

Anyways.. lesson of the day.
I am -Not- ready for dating.

4.2.15

 

[Willow]

Dairy,

What is chaos? And what is control?

The best made cages are ones people do not see, feel, or think about. Just like the banker going to his 9 to 5. Chaos is not the fire alarm being pulled, or even the mes of papers on the floor as people run out of the building. No chaos is the time where no one knows what is going on. Where everything is equal, and the future is as unknown as a sealed box. That moment before people go back inside and see the mess they made, and the small ashes in the trash can.

Chaos is the unknown, so is control the ability to know it?

The first rule.
Until observed there is infinite possibilities. Anything is possible.

If control is the ability to observe, it must also be the ability to know what one is observing. It is not enough to just make infinite possibilities in to a concrete fact, you must have the ability to choose. That ability to choose is in fact the foundation of control.

The dragon then is the one who can see in to the infinite possibilities. In return we the ones who have the ability to choose, strings and ripples, go and help changing reality from unknowns to what they want to see.

So then what is freedom?

I am raised to do this job, time, money, and nurturing has been put in to my training. Slowly I find they are loosening their grip on my leash. Slowly I find myself standing at the precipice of choice. I question much, seeing my choice is the same as it would have been without the leash pulled tight.

4.5.15

 

[Willow]

ZOMG

We have a danger room, Why did no one tell me we have a danger room? We are the fricken X-men.. well I am clearly jubilee, I am go buy a yellow jacket now.

That said now serious mode.. Bees are so powerful. Fighting alongside them made me feel kinda small. May be that is why Dragon has me working on little things and stomping monsters. Of course there is a chance I'm just fodder.

Though I had like the most fun in my life in there stomping fake monsters next to bees. They are alright people, though I start wondering how big the war really is.. I mean I already know it will outlast me, I'm just a mortal with some magic up my sleeve, at some point I will find a monster I can't stomp or run away from.

WE HAVE A DANGER ROOM!!

Gods I need to find more friends to take there. I'm pretty sure its made for bees, they said it was even going easy on us.. and I was working really hard.

So..
Work harder get better, don't be a fodder
and be an X-man

Squee

4.6.15

 

[Willow]

We all wear masks, some to hide the pain, some to hide our true nature. It is how society works, we all lie to protect ourselves.

I've seen past the mask, and I see, another wolf. I want to know him, I want to heal his scars. Does he want the same? I want to be with him, hunt with him.. I want him to know me. I worry he is too afraid, that he has too many scars to let me in.

I hope I am ready.. I hope the nightmares do not cause him pain, or scare him away.

4.10.15

 

[Willow]

[ paper has teardrops on it]

Alright it has been a few days, I needed it to figure out exactly how I feel.

My date didn't work out, it was for the best.

I live my life on the edge of a sword, one misstep and it ends. No do overs, no getting up again, no lessened learned. My life since the fire has all been with purpose, every step every thing I have learned is for a greater plan.

I can not throw that away, I will not make myself weak for another. The worry is just a distraction, as is the love. I will have friends and family, those I will still protect and speak up for, but my heart, that piece of my soul, it is not for sale.

It is safer for them.

The Lone Wolf
4.17.15

 

[Willow]

They once told me I should not seek out the company of others. I had always wondered why. I know I am not normal, that i sometimes feel the feral wolf with in call out for blood. I know it isn't really a wolf, but I know it isn't human.

I remember being a kid, my first family...my real family. I remember the late night stories, and the dancing. My first time riding the horse with my mother holding on to my waist, making sure I wasn't afraid. I never was afraid of animals, not until I saw a Wolf.

The lake was a retreat for us, a place away from the outsiders, safe. Horses played in the field of flowers, the one or two stray dogs swam and fetched sticks in the lake. The dog alerted us first, growling and barking circling, knowing little ones like me were in danger. The horse next, bolting off seeing they had no fences to stop them.

He was huge, black fur like night and eyes that seemed to know. The alpha of the pack looking in on the real outsiders, human in his territory. Howling that made the other children cry and the parents swoop in to take us in.

That day i knew what it would feel like to be prey, to know something greater than me would have easily taken my life if he had the chance. The wolf knows no remorse, only action, knows no sympathy, only survival, knows no love, only the cold embrace of death.

Brother, who would take a mortal with such a beast inside. What place would I have? A thief? Sent out to kill monster or man? You say The Dragon only seeks to rebuild the world after the ash clears. I would think it would be easier for them to withdraw and watch it burn, then to send anyone out in to this god war. Those like me are meant to die, so those like you can make it to the end.

Lone Wolf
4.21.15

 

[Willow]

I asked about the tattoo today, my suspicions were right, kinda. Unseelie I have herd this word before, read it in one of my many books. Wynter court, malevolent in nature, dark.. like the wolf. Copal was able to tell me that I do have Fay blood.. and this darkness, is normal.

Normal.. if such a thing exists.. so my great grandmother was taken by Fey.. the story likely dumb down for children. I would suppose it is best not to tell children the fay took them in exchange for safe passage.

So not touching any more on that.. I am half tempted to call the Rom Baro, see what he knows. Though likely he will just denounce me seeing I have been with outsiders for over seven years.

I have to learn to embrace this darkness, this Wolf. It is apart of who I am, apart I am afraid of.

Brother is resentful to The Dragon. I kinda understand, I guess being raised being told I am going to die for the greater good. I guess after hearing it for thirteen years I accept it, he is not so willing to accept it.

As I spend time and make friends I am less willing to just follow along. The Dragon won't let me leave, just like the Romani it is not something one can just walk away from. They own me... as she put it.

The offer to choose was just a Test.. one I have failed.

The Lone Wolf
4.22.15

 

[Willow]

Yesterday I got a wake up call, don't worry the bruise will heal. I am not meant to die, they may have told me that most of my life, but that is because they do not see my value. I have people around me now that do.

I wrote the Rom Baro a E-mail, he confirmed or at least his right hand confirmed that my grandmother was the one taken by Fey. So I am 1/4th fey, they said I should stay put, that my dues are being payed. I am still Romani, I have not broken any laws, the Dragon is currently my keepers.

I am marked, but I do not know what it means or why. My mother had no such Tattoo, but she was half fey, cursed with the gift of seeing. I have to put this aside, it is becoming a distraction. If it will come to anything I will be here, training to be the mortal who will not die in this damned god war.

Lone Wolf
4.25.15

 

[Willow]

I made a new friend today his name is Wilson. He is a changeling, though I didn’t know at first. I was hanging with the ‘support group’, that is what they have called themselves. He is one of Flo’s friends, and Flo seemed worried about him, he told me Wilson was not acting right. He was triggering on words, going glassy eyes, and staring off into the void.

People left one by one till noone was there but me and Wilson. Chatting with him I originally thought that maybe the bees broke him some how. I didn’t know he was Fey, though he was just another human bee. I decided he NEEDED to see Copal, she had spoken of helping broken souls and healing people.

I finally got him to her, and Copal being the very spiffy Fey she is helped him. It appears, he was stuck between being human or being fey, the bees, and his feyness were not talking on the same page. He had to choose if he was going to walk the Fey path or if he was going to become full human.

Wilson chose to be fey, and made an oath to help those he could, feeling in debt to Copal, and I. He has to make a few changes, he needs to be around his kind more, so his connection with the Wylds and the Green stays strong.

The Romani have stories about changelings, that is why we get our first name, to trick the fey so they don’t replace use with their own. That is what I was told, but no one told me why. Perhaps they just want to have someone love them unconditionally.

Lone Wolf
4.27.15

 

[Willow]

Mostly uneventful day, I missed out on going to Black Court just.. didn't feel like leaving London. Made a friend though Jessica. I will admit I am jealous of her, being free of the big three, I pray she can keep it that way. She tried sushi for the first time, was pleasant to talk to, I will text her later.

A friend was suffering today, All I could do was watch, helpless as a child. It, hurts me to know I am a weapon. I have no other purpose, they raised me to kill monsters, made it a grand game one I enjoy. Killing monsters, till I am exhausted and can't take another step. I can't help anyone, my friends suffered they're not afraid for herself but for her unborn son. All I could do is watch.. I hate it.

Lone Wolf
5.1.15

 

[Willow]

Spent most of my day Monster stomping and kicking over trash cans. Went to London after for a drink and a nap in one of my hiding spots. Normal day Almost.

As an official declaration to myself.. I am fucking done with the Stacy / Stacey.. If your going to talk about someone behind their back you had better know what the fuck you're talking about. Seeing I tell them NOTHING they have NOTHING to say.

I adore Patch, he didn't break my heart, we didn't even fight. I am not and will never be ready to be with someone. What do they have to do, make up some crap Damsel in distress story on how he some how wronged me. They know Crap, and as far as I am concerned are TOXIC to be around.

Hung out with Patch met the girl who he is with. Pan seems to be a good match for him, hopefully she isn't still trying to find out who she is in this crazy world.

Lone Alpha Wolf
5.3.15

 

[Willow]

Fire, I see the faces in it, screams of hundreds, faces melting. My mothers face, as she tried to keep me safe her magic dwindling as she dies. That is all I see in the flames, and I was not ready for the fire today. I never expected it to find me in the Pub.

Shaken, is the only word I have for it. The feeling when I woke up hundreds of miles from home. I needed to see someone I knew someone I cared about Needed to make sure they were.. alive.

I went to the forest and cleared away the ground and put a circle of rocks. Took me thirty minutes to get a fire spell but made a fire and watched it. I cried at first, remembering the night they died, how my mother gave her life.

Once I was not a mess of tears and sniffles, I talked to the flame. I tried to see their faces as I remembered them, not melting. Telling them How I am doing, what I have been up to. It is hard to picture them approving of this life. Talked about my friends, things that could have been, things I can't have.

I know tonight like most nights I will have nightmares, but may be I won't be as afraid any more. Perhaps I will rise above this panic I feel and use it, let the Wolf eat it and be stronger.

Lone Alpha Wolf
5.4.15

 

[Willow]

Stacy, the purple hair one, and I had a long talk today. I am giving her a second chance. She says wants to be better, she knows she has been out of line. If I see her slipping again she knows I will speak up and she beater jump to it and get her ass back in line. She has a lot of apologizing to do to a handful of people, not all of them as naive as I. Just like everyone else she will have to earn my trust and loyalty. I made the mistake of giving it away to easily before, never again.

My keepers are not at all happy at the 'stunt' I pulled on the fifth. I would say that they are in fact pissed off. So I did want any irresponsible nineteen year old would do, I snuck out and saw my friends.

Checked on Ivan, he is doing alright. Work is keeping him from Sol. I had him heal me, seeing I was still suffering from the bad bee fight. I can handle pain, do not get me wrong, its the dizzy spells and the feeling like I may pass out. That blow to my head was not something I was just going to suck it up and move on with.

Patch is doing alright, I miss him so it was nice to see him and chat. If I hear -anyone- bad mouth him They better be ready for one tiny Angry Russian in their face. He has had enough crap in his life to have to put up with people who don't know shit about shit.

Noah and I talked, I am still trying to get a feel for this guy. He says he is or maybe was one of Patch's friends. He doesn't tolerate Drama, so that is a plus, sadly catching him up on some things he missed while away I may have tossed him into the drama pot.

I think that is the overview of my day.. Oh ya I'm in so much trouble they have no idea what to do about me.

Lone Alpha Wolf
5.6.15

 

[Willow]

I snuck out of the Green Gardens today. Just didn't feel like sitting around waiting for them to give out punishment. Not much to report, went zombi stomping, I enjoy it is that so wrong. Not everyone out there loves their jobs. Mine happens to be killing undead things.. and soon not as undead things.

Ran in to Patch and Vivi.. I am worried about her now, and so is he. We pretty much umm tazed her, yea I know bad form. That rash on her arm, is not a rash, I took pictures when we saw it. I am now back in the library and looking through what book we have on Fay.

I hope tomorrow I can go out and see them and let her and Patch know what I discovered. I am keeping an ear out for Copal. She knows more about the Fay happenings then I or any book does. I know her forest has been under attack so I'm praying something in in these book. I will find what I am after or fall asleep down here trying.

Lone Alpha Wolf
5.7.15

[Below is a picture of skin that has been scratches at and is flaking away showing a pearlescent carapace like exoskeleton. ]

 

[Willow]

Talked to Viv, it went alright. I don't think she understand our concern. Got a good convo going, but she seemed to shrug more than talk. I will look in to the thing more see if I can find any answers. If it is truly not a big deal at least we will know.

Spiky came back, he was in Tokyo. He, it was really bad over there, and Orochi are.. they are doing some real bad things. He is pretty badass and he was shaken, I mean like he may not sleep for a week shaken. Also he is not going back for a while, the Orochi made sure to use the media to control people. Setting spiky up as a monster on the media, guess he would be a loose end, he saw what they were doing.

Finding all the hidden Wolves, may be we will become our own pack.

Lone Alpha Wolf
5.8.15

 

[Willow]

Free once again, nice to be out and about in the cool London air. First I went to the 'support group' as my normal Monday. Thom, he is a Templar, good guy he jumped in with two feet I was proud of him. I have seen him a few times an EMT 'Tempest' a code name that kinda speaks to a more aggressive role.

I met up with Zyrkin, I am starting to be more of a friend to her. I think she accepts me. She showed me her Wolf today. It was a show of true understanding and trust to show me that part of herself. She will be hunting a Demon, I fear for her. I know this Demon is not one that will easily be beaten.

Stacy (purple hair) seems to be doing better. She lost her pack, because she is not an Alpha. She will have to work on that.

Patch and Pan are going to the Tower. With everything I have heard, I wish I could stop him. I know I can't, I have to trust him as a Wolf. He is not mine to possess, no matter how much I love him. Texted Ian telling him he better bring Patch back alive. Was surprised that Ian responded, But happy he did.

Its alright Wolf princess I got this.

Lone Alpha Wolf
5.11.15

 

[Willow]

Today I felt like a wolf pacing in a cage, back and forth staring out looking for.. something. Hells if I know what, bounced around a lot today. Stomped some monsters, still restless, looked at some clothing, still wrestles, went to Egypt, no dice.

Went back to HG and ran in to Jude, and Thom, he pulled in a guy named Lucard. He seems like a good sort from Louisiana like Stacy is. He is in to Occult stuff, nice I can chat With things with him if he is interested.

My evening was the most interesting, ran into a Vampire I recognized. Tobi introduced him as a Pure Blood back when I was still talking to him before he took advantage of Caitlyn. Pretending to not be a vamp at first and posing as a Finder. We had a good talk, asked him questions about what a Pure Blood was. Even after what Tobi did, I still asked this Pure Blood to not kill him. I still believe they are people, everyone makes mistakes, not everyone has the balls to admit to them and fix things.

Lone Alpha Wolf
5.13.15

 

[Willow]

Ran in to Levi today, he seemed good, as much as I can tell he is a tad hard to read. I kinda think he wonders why I am talking to him. Though he was in good spirits, I will catch him later and ask more questions.

The Gem of my day.. Isidor. He is a seer, and a bee. Finds lost art work in the Gaia wounds. I see no harm in helping him hunt for 30% of the take. Better then stealing for some fun monies. I also enjoy hunting with people. I think he is a good guy, we'll see how he is out on a hunt.

Went in to the dragon Dojo's today a place I would never be allowed to go as a non important person. It was so beautiful, so much nicer than Green Garden, rock gardens, fountains, meditation rooms. And it was like hundred times bigger than home.

We decided to go out for a hunt, ended up in Blue mountain. I had a ton of fun, stomping around. He finally got a vision, and we headed to the dig site. First time hunting Filth, I stayed back and he got close, he has Gaia's blessing to protect him. It went really well, I used a lot of ice spells to keep the Filth away from me.

He and I talked I think he would be a great addition to my pack...Of course he has to not vanish into the mist.

The Lone Alpha Wolf
5.15.15

 

[Willow]

Had breakfast with Levi, well I ran in to him at the noodle house. Had a chance to ask some questions. Seems there are not that many pure bloods, and the ones he turns are far more powerful then his 'children' can make. So Caitlyn is not going to be as powerful as Tobi. He is likely not apart of a blood line..so Levi thinks very poorly of him, vermin, filth, so forth.

So each bloodclan has at least one pureblood, one who was Born a vampire, and not undead. All vampires have some connection to them even if it is so diluted it is hard to claim them as such. Pure bloods are at the top of the hierarchy. So if Tobi is his descendant he would have rule over Tobi.

Levi spoke of a Lilith, as the other Sanguine Pureblood, though there may be more. He is not in his territory, so he has no ruling here, but he seem interested in any Vampires making waves. He had to go before I could get to that.

Next I ran into Isidor, he got the crystal and the book I gave him. Hopefully it will help him get a better handle on being a seer. He got me a set of armor, we decided to test it out went to Egypt and did some stomping. It went well but I had to make some edits, it was a tad long and the crazy straps, I am not jumping out of a plane I don't need strapzilla.

The temple of the black sun, we scouted some. Everything about this guy matches what I read in books. Wishes to blot out the sun and overthrow Ra, enslave all of humanity, and bring the world into an eternal darkness. We didn't get far in before we decided we need to do some reading first.

New friend! Nerante. Another hidden wolf. Well maybe something meaner than a Wolf, but for now he is a person. He has a coldness to him, but also a roughness like he has to keep his hackles up to prove he is a wolf and not a dog. That is a sign of weakness, seeing someone carry it like they have something to prove. Kinda reminds me of Spiky hiding the person behind the wolf, instead of the wolf behind the mask.

The Lone Alpha
5.18.15

 

[Willow]

Nerante, I think he is hiding a really spiffy person behind his wolf. I got a touch closer today, then I hugged him and got him all defensive. He once had someone, Angelica, she died to his wolf. I think it is important for him to have a friend, so I am not giving up on him.

He later told me why, I should be more careful I can't tell when people have been hurt. He and I have a lot in common and some things not so much. I was right when I said his wolf is meaner than mine. I am use to being the insignificant one though, not a bee, not really that powerful. Meant to die as a pawn so the real important people can win the war, or wipe the slate clean, or whatever.

Sea Fox is alright saw him today in one piece, he just must be busy. Good to see him though I can worry less about him.

Silv and Yaslin broke up.. it seems it was not by their choice. They both are very sad, but I know they both.. well I know Silv is very strong, forged in fire. Yaslin has already been through so much.. I do not know what took her self esteem away but I am sure this is just another blow. I hope she hears me when I say I am here for her as a friend.

People keep on asking me why I don't just run away. They would rather I just die, then not be the weapon they made me to be. So what does that leave me, running away to hide in a cage where they can't get me? Locked away because I know if I step out a bee is coming to kill me. If I am good they don't lock me away.. There is worse places I can be, the unseeli may not be as kind.

Lone Alpha Wolf
5.22.15