Journal Diary of Willow Vallen

[Willow]

Holding back the claws

My phone started going off while I was asleep last night. Mother, was trying to reach me through Twitter. She didn't know I was home asleep so she came in. Pan, had seen my dream, the one that has me frightened. She told mother to lock me away, that I was going to hurt someone. Mother and I spoke, I know the time will come, that if they can't help she will have to.. Today however isn't that day.

Using magic make me weaker, after making another escape stone I feel so drained. I ended up taking a nap for most of my day after. I need to watch myself, it will be hard I have always used magic for everything for hunting. I can feel my wolf, restless and pacing. How long can I go with out hunting? It has always been a need, a demand, like breathing or eating.

Today is day one of resisting the call to hunt.

Found Saint once I got up, Bart is back, and apparently he had a boyfriend hurt him while he was on his vision quest. I gave him the Foot I imbued for him, though the pain he is feeling is easy to see. I made sure he knew he was wanted, loved, and had people here for him. He seems better for it, I got a piggyback ride.


I decided I was going to go out dancing, try to get some of this energy out. I ran into Nikoli, and took him with me. I find I am more than a little fond of him, but that feeling is fading just like the rest. For now I will hold on to it the best I can and enjoy his laughter and smile. I got him to dance. I gave him the stone I made, and made sure they had a plan for saving Marcus and Darcy. I fear I have done all I can for them, till I get better, if I get better.

8.5.15

 

[Willow]

That look...

The park a nice day filled with friends, people who care. I hung off Bart today, I just feel he needs someone close. Bart is completely geeking out on Papa's past what he had seen. I am pretty sure he can spend just a day asking millions of questions.

Though I see it in papa's eyes, it is not just concern, he knows. I do not know how he knows, but it was clear today his concern was for Bart. Worried that at any point he would just fall over. I am Sick yes, but not that ill, I can still feel, I can still say I care...

Nikolai showed up at the party, so we went off to get that mirror. Goddess that did not go well. Papa was able to get the curse off me. I got to see one of his true forms. Though I can sleep tonight. I feel better, I feel, it is like I was given a bucket of love.. I almost forgot what it felt like.

I am blessed to have such a wonderful family.

8.7.15

 

[Willow]

[ Her writing is scratches erratic and full of rage]

It calls

I can feel it, like grains of sand in my grasp, they are slipping away. How did this happen, last night I felt... I could feel so much, now its gone. I have to hunt, I have to do something. I will not just sit here and let it consume me.

I will not be caged, not again.

I have to get out of the castle, away from the brownies, away from the accusing looks. I will be fine, I will be careful. Hunt. That will sooth my wolf, I will be better again. I will hunt till I fall asleep in the snow exhausted. No one will be hurt.

I won't be caged. I will be fine..

7.8.15

 

[Willow]

Blood on my hands..

It was like a bad dream, waking up with one of your friend's blood all over your hands. The last thing I remember was falling asleep in the cave. I thought I was past it, that the blood lust had passed. Goddess What will I become..

I ran, I hid, All I could think of was them killing. The Keepers words ran through my head, they knew all along. I was sure they would kill me. I was sure Saint was dead.

I know they found me.. they tried to help me.. then.. A keeper showed up. Gods if my heart could beat faster I would have died. The Keeper did something Everything went fuzzy, hazy, my magic folded in to protect me. I remembering hearing voices. I felt.. love again, it was pulling at me, then everything went clear again.

I felt my first kiss, my love for Patch, then the haze in my mind parted. Even if they kill me, I am happy to have felt that one more time. I allowed them to take me, accepting my fate, and the rest my Mother gave me.

I dreamed, normally the magical sleep is empty. I dreamed, about a day I helped a friend. The happiness, and warmth I brought to his life. The feeling that he is not alone, and.. neater am I. That will make this easier, being caged, hoping they can fix this.

8.10.15

 

[Willow]

Never can Escape

Slayer is in bad shape, I almost want to leave here and help him.. but what help can I be. Not like this, Saint is in the other room still asleep, I can't throw that lesson away. He thinks he killed the staff, they are alive but he did do a number on them. I was worried he would have a hard time adjusting and I was right. They must have gone out looking for him, I will have to go there once I am better. I need to protect him from himself..

They came to see me today, I guess going ten hours without attacking any of the pookahs. They aren’t as pushy as Brownies, but they seem clever. It was hard to finally be numb, though I couldn't hold my shit together. When Papa showed me the ghosts who are with me.. My real parents are here with me protecting me. It was so hard to see them, to find out they always were there. I do not know what if anything they could do to help, the idea that they did do things to help shakes me.. deeply.

The Keepers, damned them to hell. I though for these last few months that I was free. I was Such a fool to think I could ever be free. I could barely fight the pain and rage when they told me. They told me that.. The Keepers have control of me still, that they can say a word and I react they way they want. They could have been the cause of all my Blackouts even the one during the attack on Saint.

8.12.15

 

[Willow]

[Written in hard to read scribbles]

They all just need to stay away from me. I want them to just disappear. Food has no flavor, music sounds like noise. They should just kill me now, then will have to. I feel like I am drowning in it it steals away my color, the flavors, my care.

The fear, it also fading.. that is how I know.. how I know I'm loosing.

It doesn't matter if the Keepers are making this worse, if they made me attack Saint. I would sooner die then to go back to them..Goddess save me...

8.13.15

 

[Willow]

If this is the last moment

I write this as papa waits outside the room, when he comes back I will be put under a sleeping spell. I can't fight this and I can't just sit here and continue to see what I love be destroyed. When I wake up they will be ready or hopefully I will be … fixed.

They came over but I couldn't handle being crowded so I sat aside and listened to them talk. It was soothing, they almost sounded like a family. Telling stories reminiscing about the past. I feel Bart wants to be apart of my family or at least my pack. I am hesitate because he is not a Wolf, he may know and see but he may never understand. Either way I do like having him around, he is smart. For someone I barely know he has been there when I needed him the most.

If I wake up from this.. I think I will keep him, I already feel protective of him.

They talked me in to going to the dance, I went though they didn't stay long.. With five phookas all invisible around me pulling on my pants leg and shirt. I also let Rex put a Magic nullify bracelet on me, it is just safer this way. Even if the sickness grips me, or I have a bad dream, nothing catches on fire, no one gets zapped.

If they can't save me and today was my last day alive, I got Sea Fox to dance. I took pictures. It makes it worth it. I didn't say goodbye to anyone, I know they will help me. Even if when I wake up with the piece I have to Patch back.

Dreamless sleep take me, take away my pain..

8.14.15

 

[Willow]

Pulled back from the Abyss

It felt like I was falling, every step was one closer to the edge, that place were I knew I would be lost. I willed myself to claw and fight, maybe that is how I got through the day.. just repeating 'Just a little bit longer just a little bit longer... over and over again in my head.

Saint woke up today, Writing this now.. and not back then.. I was so angry, at myself. He was rightfully alarmed, how can he know I was being held back that everyone around me was holding me together like a broken doll with tape.

Thank you Bart, Pan, Patch, Mother and Papa... thank you for holding me together..

It is time..

I have been tortured, burned, zapped, starved, beaten.. and now smited by the gods.

It hurt, I kinda don't think I have to write that out, but I will IT FUCKING HURT, scale of one to ten it was a one hundred. I thought I was going to die, that they were killing me.

It is hard to say or write how I felt once it was done... Have you ever nearly drowned? The Keepers tried to drown me before. That sudden moment when they threw me back in my cage and I could just breath, even if I had to do the painful coughs to try to get water out of my lungs. It was like I was able to breath, like it had been underwater for the last four weeks.

I'm still in pain from it. I woke up in bloodlust, but I could see and feel, I knew who they were. It faded as I realized I was safe. They all worked to sooth me, to try to make sure it worked, and I was once again.. me.

I have hope, root beer is sweet again, maybe soon all food with taste good. Soon I will feel better and be back to me again.

8.17.15

 

[Willow]

The Hunt goes on

Went dancing with Bart today. It was fun, got a tad carried away so, yea may need to be a tad more mindful. That aside I had fun he had fun, fun was had by all good first day of recovery. Food taste like food, root beer is back to being awesome.

I sat Bart down and started unraveling the who whats of the attack on Amous. I see a very real problem in the making here. Not that I am an expert on Greek gods, but something will have to be done because Bart and Vincent WILL end up hurting each other or someone else.

I have to go on the assumption Vincent will not want to talk to me. That I have to help Bart my newest Pack member one sided with all this. He knows what caused the attack to happen, he knows why his wolf is lashing out. The hard part is It isn't a wolf, and he isn't a bee. It is what give him the seer abilities, whatever I do has to be something he can turn on and off, I can't declaw him.

Went to Slayers, this is not nearly as hard of a puzzle. Just the timing was bad. I wish I could have been there for him earlier. Though would he has survived if I tried when I was sick? He has to make a choice, he needs to decide what he really wants. I am not going to force him, or I will just turn around and he will be back to what he is doing now.

I am tired, today was fun but likely a tad more then I wanted first day out of umm.. surgery? Yes I will call it that. Still in a little bit of pain, but it is not, physical pain.

I feel the need to hunt, so that is what I will do tonight. I do not think people will ever understand that, how I have a need to hunt.. like a need to drink water.

7.18.15

 

[Willow]

Snake, Owl, Butterfly, Bad Wolf?

Vincent, he has a good shell on him but considering his age I'm kinda expecting a mask he is very use to wearing. I cut right to it, see if I can toss him off balance by it. Mixed results, but finally I got to get to the real him. He cares deeply for Bart, and I can see it is just ripping him apart seeing that whenever they are near each other the Bart he knows slips away and it turns into a dance of possession.

I am in no way am an expert in relationships.. or Greek mythos. I see a real problem, and all in all it's a magical one. Bart gets near Vincent there is a very real reaction Bart can't control. Vincent who has more experience claims he doesn't lose himself.

Artemis.. Apollo.. Dionysus... Greek Gods Oh my. Guess I have to shuffle that book to the top of my reading list. I know Amous owed Artemis a life, and Apollo owes him a set of eyes.

'Play the game of the wilds with me, little Butterfly, silver Wolf. You are worthy.'

Theory this is a note is from Artemis. I read it as she is asking me to be Amous' champion. Seeing having a Wyld hunt with a blind mage is likely not her definition of worthy. Game of the wilds is the hunt, she is know to be a hunter just like Medeina and her wolves.

There goes me staying out of trouble.

Speaking of trouble, Slayer has gone over the moon and dropped his happy meal fries. I know where he is hiding, and what I am going to do about it. This is it, if he can get himself out of this cage and run off again I had better hope he signs the house over to Edgar before he does. I made him a promise that if he becomes one of them I would kill him.. This is the last I can do for him. He had better pray it works.

8.19.15

 

[Willow]

Not an Alpha a Friend

Slayer is one who I knew I would be an Alpha to him, I want him to be my best friend. I found him, unfortunately his mother's death was one of pain and suffering and loss. She is a Wraith now, though with he as her soul tether, she is not a monster.

We had a talk, and he made his choice. I care about him, but I can't be the Alpha to him. It is hard for me to separate the two. I am not sure I know how.

Love now that I feel I remember, and now that I remember, I am again lost in it. So, what am I going to do? I think, I will just try to live, they all have been warned I will never love them they way they want. I am giving up hope that someone will accept me the way I am. If it happens, well I hope they can handle an Asexual relationship.

Stayed with Slayer last night, and for a pleasant change had good dreams. I don't know what is keeping my nightmares away, but it was nice to actually sleep.

I sent in my app to Phoenix Group, see if I can do something meaningful. As much as I Love the hunt, I crave a challenge.

8.20.15

 

[Willow]

Glitter in the wind.

Ysbrand I have seen him float around London, kinda staying away from the big groups. Got to talk to him today. I seem to attract the artifact seekers, it is not a bad trait. I like him and I will help him once he has a direction for me to look. I am the first Fae he has meet, he seemed to be genuinely interested. We chatted and I heard about the artifact he is after. I hope he is not just glitter in the wind. I can make a list of all the people I met and never saw again, but I think it would depress me.

For now everything is good, I am healing, Slayer has found a place he can work on balance, Bart is handling things, Saint.. I am not sure... Pan and Patch are off.. I guess making out.

Went to the dance hung out with Julie, Astrid, Angi and met someone named Matt. He was a high school guidance counselor. Not entirely sure what his job is seeing I never went to high school.

People I have met who vanished

Tim – Saved his jacket at goth dance
Wilson – Changeling
Vivian – Seelie
Spiky – Monster stomper
Levi - Pureblood
Kabol – Interesting kid in Kingsmouth
The Raven – Raven who gave me a shiny
Isidor – Seer who finds artifacts

8.21.15

 

[Willow]

Much Squee

Missed a day so this one will be long. So yesterday I found Wilson and Zyrkin! Its odd the day after I put in here that I miss them. Wilson is doing well going to the 'support group' he is back to his silly self. Zyrkin has been lonely and right here in the HG the whole time. I look forward to sparring with her when I see her again.

Went dancing saw Matt there he seems pretty spiffy. A friend but not a pack member.

Now Today... oh today was SO AWESOME!

Went to my interview with Phoenix Group. I was so excited I am surprised I was not bouncing around like a ferret with a pixy sticks the whole time. Kyle is spiffy, I look forward to seeing what Pray he thinks worthy. He laughs and smiles, so a good start so far. Director is a woman named Rovena, professional, direct, and the one who runs HIVE.

I am super excited to be here, you have no idea, I never expected to be so excited. Kyle is Nick Fury though he has both his eyes still, and the Helicarrier is named Prometheus. I am going to be a SHIELD agent!!

I am going to be monster stomping for the ATAR division.

Anyways, off to Paris now I am going to see if I can help the Fae who lived in the under city there, The monsters are coming up from below them so they got hit the hardest first, and well before the humans too. Then to the Romani, after that I will see who wants my help, see where I am needed.

8.25.15

 

[Willow]

Words I dare not Say

I am not going to write about Paris, not yet. Too much going on I don't want this book to remember it wrong.

First, Slayer left his sanctuary, came out and meet me at the Crusades. Though I dragged Matt the schools counselor there as a friend. Matt seemed more than happy to mingle with people his age and let me go be with Slayer. He finally is finding himself, finding his light. He said.. he needs me. I couldn't say I needed him, but I wanted to. Last time I felt anything like this it ended in heart break. He apologized for pushing me away, realizing it was hurting me, more than his true nature ever could.

I love him.. as much as I can.. I know that now. It makes me happy and very afraid.

Pandora left me a twitter message saying she has a present for me. It is so beautiful, a wolf-head bracelet with an opal in its mouth. It is infused with a protection spell and can't be taken off me. Though I can remove it if I need to. It is a reminder that I have people who love me, and to never take the risks I have in the past. That there is people who need me, and who I need.

I didn't have time to head up to check in with Kyle, I wouldn't have much to tell him yet anyway. Staying in sanctuary with Slayer tonight. The Elves are moving my stuff back to Slayer's house, though I know I will always be welcome at the Wylds. I want to be here for him.

8.26.15

 

[Willow]

Dancing on rooftops

More stuff in Paris, I still can't talk about.

Went roof running with the director, Rovena. For someone who spends so much time behind a desk she is pretty able. I think she rock climbs, and runs clearly, she can almost keep up. I showed her the good spots in Paris I found on the roof way. Learned she is a dog person.

It was nice to have a chance to just chat with her, learn more about her, get an idea on how she thinks. This my first job, real job not a slave. I am still bouncing with excitement, you have NO idea. She is getting married, her husband to be wants it to be fancy.. I hope it is as magical as Pandi's was.

Went over to see Bart and Amous. Brought them a truffle from Paris, and the sonic kit. Amous Loved the Sonic kit, he cried he was so happy! We made pasta with smoked salmon. Told them a tiny bit of what I am dealing with in Paris. Seeing they both will be coming with me soon. Hopefully I can get there help with what I am taking care of, and not get assigned by their teams.

Back to Eldwick to sleep. Met up with Papa, Suzi, Yaslin who is back now yea.. and a vamp called Dorian. I had heard about him before, good things of course. It is different and really nifty to see Papa being protective of me.. it is like something I knew I was missing in my life.

I was so exhausted when I got to the estate, I am sitting here waiting for Holly to bring in my dinner. Hopefully she gets it here before I end up asleep at the table. My stuff is here now, will have to unpack again. Will head in to The Cave with Slayer for the night.. I miss him.

8.27.15

 

[Willow]

Guilt and Rage

Saint is a mess, his mind is shattered. I didn't understand before, that he knew what he was, that he was running from it. That.. some fights should not be fought, and for that, this is my fault. The guilt of it weighs on me, I must try to help him. The pain of failing my pack is so great, I will help him, then perhaps let them all be free.

He asked me to help him after Yaslin helped him clear his mind. I know we can't remove the Unseelie part of him without him losing every good thing he has. Me. Mother, Lilly. I know if I can't he will find a way to end his life he doesn't want to be a fractured person.

I will put aside all my other projects and start reading. I think.. I can use the Unseelie part to.. well consume this unwanted fracture personality. This is all my fault..

Went to the Goth dance, and ran into many people I knew was working for PG. It was nice to meet them all and Aunty Jul, Dave, Matt, new friend named Tommy. Met Astrid's mate she is nice and she has a daughter! She is a plushy doll almost a foot tall and she is adorable. I could hug her and carry her around on my head ALL day.

I am off to the Wyld Hunt now Saying Hi to Asq before I leave. Will stop by the house and whatever they say to the cave. I am pretty sure he understands I can't stay on full moons. If not I will grab him a Unseelie fae book.

8.29.15

 

[Willow]

A day in the life?

Slayer is doing so much better today. He went out hunting, and is going to to the house tonight. He gave me an assume present. It is a necklace of a silver wolf's head in its mouth is a bundle of lavender. Each flower is a little blue purple gem its lovely. He had it made for me but lost it in his study when he was off to do the ritual. He means more to me then I will ever be able to say.

Templar Matt had tripped on some artifact that has dose something.. He is currently a magic eater.. meaning I have little I can do to help him. People he worked with to find it have gone missing. So he wants to stay this way to help them.. since he is channeling WAY more magic then he should be able to bee or not.

Talked to Kendra, took her clothing shopping seeing she was super jelly of my black and red leather outfit. She seems nice, it's strange to talk to a normal human. I am not use to being around people who are so.. innocent.

8.31.15

 

[Willow]

Cookies for all.

Spent my morning making cookies with Juli and Miria. It was fun to just be a kid, making cookies and having a flower fight. They were super tasty, I gave one to each staff at the house and one for Slayer for when he comes back. It is nice to almost feel normal..

Its nice to see Bart, but I can tell he needs to figure out some things still. 'Know thy Self.' It was something the Keepers taught me early on. Accepting yourself would be the next part. He has to understand he is not a slave to his destiny, it is just a road.

Had some time to kill so grabbed one of my books and sat on the Crusades Stage. Templar Matt.. I will call him that for now. He has a Magi-tech on his arm it helped him a lot. We were able to dance it was nice. We talking about Unseelie things and Human emotions. I didn't tell him but one thing I miss about being human is the ability to Lie. I know the changes are permanent, so I will help him learn how to use magic.

Later in the dance I came back in and found Julia was passed out on the floor, I could sense she hit the wall really hard. I was kinda, surprised only one person really came to her aid. I healed her, and she got up, she will feel that for a few days. I am drained, so I went home.

9.2.15

 

[Willow]

Long Sharp Pointy Thing

Slayer has agreed to teach me how to effectively swing a sword around. It was kinda a I am going to teach you ok? I was very, nervous at first. I remembered the training by the Keepers, being treated as less than a dog. He kinda went threw three modes of trying to teach me, first he was trying to emulate how his Teacher was, then he took a step back and tried to figure out what I responded to. In the end it went well I think. I kinda look forward to learning more.

Fae don't think like humans do, I am starting to understand. I am not frightened by this. I went to the morgue in Paris, met up with Nik. Did what I can to give him some insight I hope it helps him save more of the fae.

Saw Matt briefly, sounded by people and enjoying him self. I am happy he is finding a way to cope, but I want to sit him down and really talk. Masks are all well and good, but if you hide behind them forever you may forget how to deal with your true nature if you're ever faced with it.

I never know if I am helping or if I am not. Today I met someone and gave them purpose. Today I met someone and opened to door to the secret world. No long stern warning about how their lives may never be the same. No Red pill or Blue pill.... its not like the comics, you won't save the day, you won't be a hero, you may not even live long enough to even understand what you've gotten yourself into.

9.3.15

 

[Willow]

Today was quite long

Paris.. yep that happened. Taking next week off.

Meet Slayers' swordmaster, it was clear he is slayers family, just like the staff here are. I am honored to meet him, and more so that he realizes Slayer has grown, and is more then what he was when they last spoke. He has giving Slayer his approval to take a student.. that is me.

First field mission.. I think it is a success.. yea.. not all bees. Killing normal humans is going to hurt every single fucking time. I am going to have to get use to that, or maybe bring a pain shot of some drug. Six.. or seven people.. I could have stayed standing.. but why, they had the big blue and dealing with him. Well we have the thing, sent a bunch of bees' running back to who ever the BIG target is. Sad that the artifact got to Stacey and she had to take a dip in the Anima well.

Overall my first day in the field went well. This is my first time killing humans in a hunt... I feel nothing for them...

9.4.15